Things You Never Say to a New Mom

     In honor of the arrival of my sweet little bundle, I thought I would do new mothers a service by compiling a list of things you should not say to a woman who has just undergone one of the greatest roller coasters in life. Here is what I've come up with. Please feel free to add the ones that bug you to the comment section.

Disclaimer: This is the list of a sleep deprived, cranky new mom. It is meant as a joke. If you are easily offended, this is not the post for you. :)

1. When will you have more children? Or Will you keep going for a boy/girl?
Folks, I know this is a well meaning question. You are curious. However, a woman who just suffered from back pain, heartburn, constant nausea, and labored for what seemed like three years does not want to think about the next time she will undergo these things. Furthermore, questions about trying for another sex insinuate that you're not satisfied with the children you have, and should strive for more. I find this question especially comical beacuse I have three boys. I am just trying to survive, here, people! Making more babies is not on my agenda right now!

2. How much weight did you gain/Are you exercising yet?
For real? Look, a general rule of thumb is to not ask a new mother anything you wouldn't ask a regular person. Would you go up to someone at work and ask how much weight they've gained? Of course not! And as far as exericse, why don't you go take a few laps?

3. Is your baby sleeping through the night?
This question is generally asked by someone who either has no children, or hasn't had any for decades. It is not the norm for a newborn to sleep through the night, and a baby who does is the exeption to the rule. Heck, I haven't slept through the night since I started having kids.

4. I don't believe in pacifiers.
Look, it's not a religion. There's nothing to believe in here. And I'm not sure what makes you think I care what a stranger in the grocery store believes in. Go on your way before I karate chop you.

5. He needs a hat/he's too cold.
My boys are little ovens. If I wrap them too tight, they will sweat like they're in a sauna. I don't expect you to know this, but could you trust that I've got it covered? P.S. If it's 80 degrees outside, they will survive without a hat, mittens, and those ridiculous snow suits you can't even buckle their carseats over.

6. They're out too soon.
Well I've got things to do, and unless you're volunteering to be a wet nurse, beat it.

7. You look tired.
That's because I am. FYI, to someone who is a little on edge, this is translated as, "Wow, you look like crap." It may be the truth, but we don't need reminded of it.

So that's what I've come up with. What drove you nuts when you were a new mom?

My little peanut. And no, he doesn't sleep through the night.